im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am midnight drunk by noon
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
