When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
