I think im going to throw up on grandma
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
