1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
