You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
