so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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