Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
