My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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