Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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