My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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