apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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