Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
