I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
