how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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