i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
