you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
