Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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