I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
