hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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