he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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