We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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