I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I want a musical about memes.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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