Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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