You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
