Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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