before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
