It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
