Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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