Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
