So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
