My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
