Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
