Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
