I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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