No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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