his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
