You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
