Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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