I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
