I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
