I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
