Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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