Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
