My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
