i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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