Soap is not a condiment
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
