I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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