my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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