I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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