I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
