Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
