He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
